Day 166 – baby blues, take two

I guess nobody said all “firsts” in my challenge had to be happy and fun. And indeed, today’s “first” is making me feel pretty sad.

Today is the first time I took F. to bed without breastfeeding him. We’ve now officially stopped that. I had kind of been looking forward to this day, to my body fully belonging to me again after over a year. To being able to take painkillers when I have a headache, to sleeping through the entire night without F. waking me up and, if I’m honest, even to getting drunk for the first time since 2013…

But now that F. is asleep and I’m about to go to bed in the spare bedroom all by myself (we figured it would be easier if I was nowhere near him for the first few nights), now I’m feeling terribly sentimental and sad. For all these months, F. and I had this incredibly close connection, my body providing him with nourishment since the day he first started to exist, even before I knew he was there. And now, all of a sudden, that bond has been severed completely. Well, all of a sudden isn’t exactly true after half a year of baby food, I suppose. But it still feels sudden and unexpected somehow.

I guess I just didn’t think it would upset me. I’m going to miss it! My little boy, suddenly all independent from me. Oh, I guess I’ll be saying that again when he starts nursery and when he leaves school and when he learns to drive and when he moves out and… Seems like bringing up a child is just an endless series of goodbyes, from the umbilical cord being cut to one day turning his room into an exercise room that nobody uses. This must be my hormones talking. Deep down I know that while all these goodbyes will be milestones along our way together, C. and I have many years of excitement, laughter and happiness to look forward to with our little man.

And now I’m off to bed: hopefully my first uninterrupted night’s sleep as a mum – that should ensure I wake up with a brightened mood…

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